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Elo Elo…London Calling

June 8, 2009

As many of you know, I took a week-long vacation in ..London 9 months ago. That’s right: the land of Big Ben, two-story buses, fish and chips, and a bastardized form of the English language is where I spent eight days and seven nights in the middle of January. It was an incredible experience to say the least. I’ve been asked several times when I will finally blog about it. I guess “September 18th, 2008″ would be the correct answer.

Since it is tricky to write about any vacation without risking boredom-related fatalities amongst readers (face it…no matter how much fun you have on a trip, listening to you recount it is always coma-inducing for your friends), I’ve decided to share only a few funny anecdotes about my vacay in the highly-popular* “Random Crap” format.

 

 

1. The first thing I noticed happened before I even left Fort Worth. I’ve flown several times in my life, and never once has anyone ever paid any attention to the silly-looking pre-flight safety demonstration given by the attendants. This flight was no exception. I marveled at how an entire plane chocked full of passengers could completely ignore uniformed airline employees performing what looks like “The Macarena” with no music. Knowing this, I’m surprised the flight attendants don’t perform the actual Macarena…or a version with middle fingers extended. I would.

 

My first stop was in Detroit, where, because of a five hour layover, I arranged to meet a friend who lives up there for dinner. So I was irritated that it was taking so long for us to even get on the tarmac for takeoff. After the plane left the gate, it started rolling for what seemed like an eternity.

 

“Dude,” I said to the guy next to me. “Are we driving to Detroit?”

 

He simply laughed and went back to his magazine.

 

 

 

Victoria Station, the first picture I took in London. You’ll better understand its beauty to me after reading random item number two.

 

2. The flight from Detroit to London was uneventful, unless you want to get picky and count the part where I wondered if I was about to die. The pilot was attempting to land at London’s Gatwick Airport in a driving rainstorm, and as we were approaching the landing strip the plane kept rolling violently from left to right and back again. This plane was relatively empty, and I started wondering if there was a safer seat I could move to in case of a crash. I decided I was probably safest if I never unfastened my seatbelt, and that even if I did move I would probably pick the only seat that somehow got sucked into an airplane engine.

 

Oddly, while most of the other passengers were justifiably freaking out (out of the corner of my eye I saw a young kid make the cross with his fingers and start praying), I had a big shit-eating grin on my face. I guess it was one of those “living in the moment” things where I decided that if I’m going to die, I’m going to go with a smile on my face. So I started thinking about all the fun crap I did in my life. The time I made out with three girls at the same time in 9th grade flashed through my brain a lot.

 

Anyway, the pilots never made a single announcement, and we landed safely. Apparently those kinds of landings are commonplace there.

 

3. I noticed a lot of subtle differences between London and where I’m from in Texas. Just to cite one small example, they don’t have the Sun over there. At least, I never saw it. I went to Latvia two years ago and never saw the sun there, either. I’m beginning to think all that “Earth rotates on its axis every day” stuff I learned in school was a bunch of horsecrap. It must sink into the Atlantic every night and pop up out of the Pacific every morning.

4. If I can give you one small piece of advice when traveling, let it be this: Never use a tour guide that is bored with tourist attractions and really just wants to go shopping. I met a wonderful woman named Julia in London, as planned, but dragging her out of women’s stores sometimes required a Taser and a wheelbarrow.

 

 

 

Gorgeous! But she thought her hat made her look like a “postman”. I thought it made her look like a New York cabbie, but I kept that to myself.

 

5. Speaking of clothing stores, I noticed that women’s fashions were always featured prominently on the storefront, and were always the first department you see when you walk in. Apparently, they find women’s clothes much more important for marketing than men’s, because you had to read signs on the wall to locate men’s apparel. Like the following:

 

Men’s clothes downstairs

 

Men’s Department on Level 3

 

Men’s Apparel down in basement next to septic tank

 

Men’s Fashions three miles up Oxford Street, take a left at homeless shelter

 

Men’s Department down in dungeon past fire-breathing dragon

 

 

 

Alas, I was disappointed by the selection.
 

 

6. Every single vehicle in London was either a Mini Cooper, a red bus, one of those weird taxi cabs, or an ultra-expensive luxury car. I saw BMW police cars!

 

 

 

I made fun of London’s cabs, but they are actually incredibly roomy inside.

 

7. Even after surviving my flight to London, I was still pretty sure I was going to die before I made it back to the U.S. Why? Because I never knew what the hell side I was supposed to be looking before crossing a street. To those who’ve never been to England, the Brits drive on the left, or wrong, side of the road. This led to me nearly walking into full-speed double-decker buses more than once.

 

Now, if any English person wants to contend that they are driving on the correct side, let me ask you: Why are you the only country in the world that needs these (below) painted on every single crosswalk?

 

 

 

Haha! We don’t need these in America, you silly Brits! USA! USA!

 

8. One thing amazing about London is the incredible amount of people there. It is a swirling mass of humanity. No matter what store, restaurant or mall you are walking in or out of, it feels like the concert just let out.

 

 

 

No matter where you were, you were surrounded.

 

9. To go to the bathroom in any public restaurant, you go through a series of stairwells and doors that get smaller and smaller until you wonder whether you’ve stumbled into the restroom for boys 12 and under. When you get through the last door (you’ll have to walk in sideways) and actually find yourself in a restroom, you:

 

1. Pee in something that resembles a urinal

2. Look for any kind of button or lever

3. Not find one

4. Panic momentarily, thinking you may have peed somewhere you’re not supposed to

5. Realize that it is, in fact, a urinal

6. Mutter to yourself, “if the stupid-ass Brits don’t know how to make a flushable urinal, they can stare at my pee”.

 

 

 

Great restrooms when you are specifically looking to pee while rubbing shoulders with the guy next to you.

 

10. There are Starbucks everywhere. You couldn’t throw a stone without it hitting a Starbucks, caroming off a Mini Cooper and breaking a window in another Starbucks. At least, that’s what happened with me.

 

Julia said one reason she loves London is Starbucks. I had to straighten her out by letting her know Starbucks is an American company.

 

 

I’ll take this over a Starbucks any day. I’m going to look into opening one in the U.S.

 

11. Brits don’t have cash registers, they have tills. They don’t get in line, they queue. They don’t have subways, they have an underground. They don’t use US Dollars, they use English Pounds.

 

At current exchange rates, they are using US Dollars to polish their shoes.

12. I’ve made a little fun of England and the English here, but I want to stress that I had an absolutely wonderful time, and I truly did not want to leave. The Londoners I met were all amazingly polite, helpful, and had that beautiful accent. I would really love to live there for a year, if I could pull it off. Now, if I haven’t completely bored you senseless

 

 

 

 

 

I nearly vomited when I saw an egg on my pizza. Guess what? It was the best part! Egg on pizza is delicious!

 

 

Julia’s looks were, uh, arresting.

 

 

This was an astonishing sight to me. An English Waffle House is fancy! With wine glasses! Julia wouldn’t let me go in there to see if the employees had actual teeth.

 

 

The London Tower Bridge. It was absolutely freezing cold walking over it.

Wheres my @#%%$^%% Bailout

June 8, 2009

Freddie Mac is depositing cum stained cash into Fannie Mae’s pecuniary pussy.

AIG is teabaggin’ the Lehman Brothers…

And all of this financial fucking is gonna be funded by the U.S. government.

Or, in other words, YOU and I will be shelling out 1 TRILLION dollars so that a select few could delight in a phantasmagorical orgy of financial free love.

Well, Treasury Secretary Paulson, President Bushtard, and members of the House and Senate…

The Lex-inator is horny as hell, and he wants some financial fellatio of his own.

I want a government bailout as well, dammit!!

In order to expedite the alleviation of my swollen monetary nutsack, I have run the numbers for you so that you can get me off quickly.

My Son…Look at him. He’s Sad. Wanna help me turn his frown upside down? Here’s how.

He needs support from me for the next four years. Total Cost? $36,000.

Oh Hell, he’s a great kid and he does have a Birthday coming up…let’s make it an even 40K.

He has also expressed an interest in attending  University when he gets older.

For tuition, room, board, books, and incidentals, his cost over four years will be roughly $134,453.92. Cough it up, bitches.

I also need a woman. to take her out, make her happy and get her naked will prolly cost me  $16,000.

Tack on another 5K for her pain and suffering due to my presence. Total: $21,000.00.

 I have thought maybe i need  to buy a Condo. Not too big, not too small. Just right.

Here in Blowme, Tx the median cost for such is $85,700.00 Got that? No? Well, write it down, dammit.

Okay, now I have a problem. I inherited my mom’s gums. They are receding quickly. I see dentures in my near future.

If I go to Affordable Dentures, I can get a full set installed and out the door for $1,295.00.

My personal debt involving a couple of old credit cards and a personal loan from my bro (thanks again for the penicillin money, buddy), is $4,788.12.

See? I’m not being greedy. Just giving you the real numbers.

Oh, I would like $30,000.00 for my efforts to administer this windfall of wealth. My skillz don’t come free.

Lastly, when I get this bailout from you, I will be so excited that I will probably want to party for at least two weeks.

In order to do that, I will need 3 bottles of Wild Irish Rose per day for 14 days…Cost: $184.38.

On top of that, since I will be having celebratory sex with the woman from earleir on in this rant on the kitchen floor of our new Condo when I get my bailout money, I would want to make it special.

If you would, toss in another $15.00 for a bottle of Olive Oil and some Fruit Roll-Ups to make it so.

Total Cost to make my well-deserved American taxpayer dreams come true: $333,436.42

I am sending this to my Congressman, both of my Senators, and the Treasury Secretary. Hey, it never hurts to ask.

That’s what the greedy, incompetent, Wall Street bastards do.

Clearance Sale on the Hottest Toys of last years Election

June 8, 2009
2008 Presidential/Vice Presidential Action Figures

 Yes folks, start your Christmas shopping now.

And, Boy Howdy, do I have a gift idea for your younger ones.

Your kids can not only spend Holy Baby Jeebus’ Birthday playing with the hottest action figure since Bangkok Heroin Den Barbie…

They can also get an invaluable lesson in civics and the American political process.

That’s right folks; the 2008 Presidential/Vice Presidential Action Figures are now available.

You need details? I got your details right here, bitches…

John “Early Bird Special” McCain*

Don’t let his aging, avuncular look and tone fool you as he opens every other sentence with, “My friends…”
 

Early Bird Mac-Man is one bad ass, septuagenarian mutha fuckah.

He will do and say whatever it takes to put his Viagra Fueled-crotch and diaper-wearin’ ass into the Oval Office.

This John McCain Action Figure is a Barbie-Chasin’, Dora the Explorer Beatin’, war hero.
 
You can’t move his arms, but you’ll find he can head butt and kick the bejeebus out of any Ken Doll’s nuts.

Johnny Mac may eat dinner at four o’clock in the afternoon, but when he does…Mac-Man eats minute steak…Rare!! (And maybe a little sponge cake, sherbet, and warm milk as well…when he’s feelin’ sassy…)

Buy it today, and thank me Christmas Morning when your kids open it up and say:

“Gee, Mom and Dad!! Thanks for the Dead Father of Tori Spelling Action Figure. I didn’t know he had Bell’s Palsy. Did he come with a naked Shannen Doherty Doll?”

*
Botox Cindy with Breast Implants, A-1 Skyraider Jet Fighter Wreckage, and Joe “Christ Killer” Lieberman sold separately.

And don’t forget to pick up Johnny Mac’s Action Figure running mate…

Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin*
This Tart of the Tundra can flat-out do it all.


Not only can she bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan…

She can first kill the pig, cure it, and then apply lipstick to it.

She’s a Governor…She’s a self-proclaimed reformer, and she’s a soon to be GILF at the age of 44.

Talk about your triple threat!!

Don’t let her Land of the Midnight Sun charm fool you; she is not afraid to call you every name that Johnny Mac tells her to call you.

And that’s not all…

Mess with her, and she’ll make Congress pass a law that forces every couple to name their first kid, Trig…or Algebra, or Tangent, or something.

Buy it today and thank me Christmas Morning when your kids open it up and say:

“Gee, Mom and Dad!! Thanks for the hot plastic bitch. Where’s the inflation hole?”

*Six Inuit tribesmen standing around an ice fishing hole performing an Arctic Circle jerk, and Salmon Spawning Bristol, sold separately.

Have a good Whatever
Cheers!!

October Repost

June 8, 2009

Wow…It’s October folks!!

Where did the year go?

Ha. Isn’t this about the time every year that people begin asking that annoying question?

I always feel compelled to reply to that question with the following answer:

I don’t know, maybe it went right up your ass, moron.

I know…I should calm myself. Anyhoo…October is a month full of Holidays and incredibly important observances.

Of course, there is Halloween.

I think this year, i need the girl from yesterdays post (the one i get the goverment to help me get, really folks you need to read my blogs to keep up with the ramblings) to wear a High School Cheerleader’s outfit with her stomach stuffed with a pillow, while I will have on a wig, breast implants, and a lobotomy scar.

Happy Halloween all, it’s Bristol and Sarah Palin!!

Columbus Day will be observed on Monday, October 13th this year…

A day when we honor Christopher Columbus for discovering an existing civilization that was fully aware of their own existence.

To honor this achievement, I will, on the night of the 12th, give myself the clap, and eat a meal of red beans and rice.

When I awake on the 13th , I will wipe away my Morning Drip with a map of the Dominican Republic, and wipe my ass clean of the red beans and rice with a map of Haiti. Very moving, no?

There are some other less well-known, but actual observances taking place this month as well.

If you love to read books about Tuberculosis, Beriberi, or Syphilis, give thanks because it is National Medical Librarians Month.

If you have ever hooked up jumper cables to your car and ended up with a face full of Elephant-Man inducing acid, it means you have probably never observed, Auto Battery Safety Month!!

John McCain is probably on cloud nine for next thirty-one days because October is also, Dinosaur Month.

I plan on getting together with my friend richard soon, and doing something sexually with him that will stand the test of time, in honor of Lesbian, Gay, and Bi-Sexual History Month!! (just kidding, i dont swing that way but hey..it got your attention!) actualy, if any lesbians are reading this, can i watch?

In addition to that excitement, I am on top of the world. Why? October is also, Sarcasm Awareness Month. Why in the Hell was I born in January!?

October, as many of you know, is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

If you haven’t bothered ladies, get them boobies checked out. We need ya here, and healthy.

Rob will be happy to provide free breast exams all month, so just send me a message saying you need it done and i will be there for you, nothing is as important to me as keeping you healthy and copping a feel at the same time

Until then… be sure to SUBSCRIBE to my blog and tell your friends….ya never know what the hell i might say…do you want to miss it?

Stop the Violence

June 8, 2009

The National Domestic Violence Hotline answers more than 19,500 calls per month from victims, survivors, friends and family members, law enforcement personnel, domestic violence advocates and the general public. Hotline advocates provide support and assistance to anyone involved in a domestic violence situation, including those in same-sex relationships, male survivors, those with disabilities and immigrant victims of domestic violence. All calls to the National Domestic Violence Hotline are anonymous and confidential.

Hotline Services Include:

Crisis intervention, safety planning, information about domestic violence and referrals to local service providers

A direct connection to domestic violence resources available in the caller’s area provided by a Hotline advocate

Assistance in both English and Spanish with Hotline advocates having access to more than 140 different languages through interpreter services

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

how history repeats itself

June 8, 2009

morning ya’ll

ever notice how history repeats itself?  for example…..my mom emma was born in 1926,  before her birth, her father was ran off by her uncles and grandfater because he was mean to my granny (not very many details so i assume he beat on her)  so moms dad gets ran out of town on a rail and mom spends the rest of her life trying to find him, find out who he was ect ect

zoom forward to today, my neice who just had a baby (named emma of all things) was severly beaten by her bf/baby daddy and even though he was a good friend of mine, i did what needed to be done to get my neice and the baby out of harms way.  I told jason that i loved him like the lil brother i never had, and even forgave him the first time he hit her……but warning him that he had never EVER lay a hand on her again, i would have no choice but to whip his ass……so here i am, repeating history – another sorry specimen of humanity being ran out of town on a rail, another friend lost, and another innocent baby left to wonder who her daddy is.

Another funny story about a penis

June 4, 2009

The scene. Bunch of us wandering blindly round the tents blasted out of our heads.

The penis. My mate has a look for bluetooth devices on his phone and discovers 37 of them. Wow! What can we do about that? In a flash of brilliance he undoes his belt and sticks his phone down the front of his pants, takes a photo of his todger and sends it off on it;s merry way via bluetooth. We crouch down (drop to the floor giggling and holding onto each other for support) and listen for the response.

“Oh wow! I got a bluetooth!” someone close to us cries. “Let me see” cries his friend. “Ewww!” “WTF!” and other sounds of disgust are suddenly heard, success! Then we hear a girls voice pipe up “But it’s so small”

We almost died from laughing that night.

Facebook annoyances

June 4, 2009

Nothing pisses me off more often or as quicly as STUPID PEOPLE!!   they have this thing on facebook called obama…thumbs up or down….and its feckin stupid man.  first off, most of the thumbs down are coming from southeren rednecks that can’t even afford to have a computer and are posting from public libraris, and they are only voting thumbs down because they are racists.  2nd of all the man has not been in office a year and he has tried to do more good than bush did in 8 years….give the man a break…shit running a county isnt as simple as running bubba jebbs gas station and bait shop…..so i guess what i am really sayin is he won, deal with it and stfu and let the man try to make change.  

also, why do these poll people insist on posting their results?  i dont wanna know what gay french movie star they are most like, what their fav miley ray cyrus song is, what std they just got cured of ect ect…..are your lives so pathetic you have to post this crap?

anyway i am rambling, just did a bowl of purple kush in my hooka and i have rather a nice buzz going,  off to fight in mafia wars and chill to xm’s 20 on 20 until next time…..peace

Lex

Hello world!

June 4, 2009

Wow….facebook, myspace, twitter, and now a blog here……i am so impressed

anyhow i am lex, aka rob, and i am a 46 yr old stoner.  here you will find all kinds of ramblings from how the house bill legalizing weed in texas was not even brought to the floor before the state adjourned for the summer break, how much obama bashers get on my nerves, how much weed i have done today, how i keep getting asked for autographs from peeps thinking i am kevin bacon and shit like that.  i’ll try not to bore you

cancun1<———me looking like kevin bacon